How to Save a Life
by nine miles to go
Summary: Song fic oneshot, set in Season 6. JD couldn't believe he'd allowed himself to hope. JDA.
1. How to Save a Life

Yikes. 16 freaking pages later and the thing is FINALLY posted. I apologize for any errors in this because I'm doing this by the light of...absolutely nothing. It's midnight. I'm swamped with cross country and rehearsals and babysitting and science competition practice and work and some stupid college course I shouldn't have taken and have too much homework for. Anyway. I'd rather type than sleep, so you're all getting this fanfic at the cost of all people near me tomorrow (lol j/k I'm actually creepily energetic when I don't sleep...hmmm).

Anyway. Enjoy the fic. It's angsty! WOOT!

Disclaimer: I don't own Scrubs. How to Save a Life is from The Fray. I'm not a theif!

* * *

How to Save a Life

Kim was nearly a month pregnant. She dropped this bomb, this insane, warped reality on me in the middle of yesterday's shift, then stood there in the doorway with this expectant look on her face, waiting for my reaction.

There was no reaction other than, "What?"

She pursed her lips at me, looking down at the floor as if she was thinking, "oh, how typical of a guy." Of course, she had the advantage. She probably found out alone in the safety of her bathroom with a freaking pregnancy test. But I, on the other hand, get to find out in the extremely public hallway with a million people (and possible Lavern) walking past us.

"I'm pregnant, JD," she repeated.

I felt my breath catch in my throat. The idea was unfathomable. I was thirty, yes, but I was nowhere near settling down. We weren't married. We only slept together once! It was a total fluke. Right?

"You're…?"

"Whoa, baby," said the patient behind her, wiggling his eyebrows.

"Stay out of this," I snapped, pulling Kim's arm and leading her into the supply closet.

"Hey, what the hell are you—"

I shut the door behind us and opened my mouth, only to have a slight hiccup noise come up. "When did you get pregnant?" I demanded, not even realizing the absurdity of the question. I felt beads of sweat forming on my forehead. My hands were shaking. I looked at her stomach, near fear at what was inside.

She laughed nervously. "Uh…well…when two people get together and—"

"I am a doctor, excuse me," I retorted, hitting the back of my head on a shelf to vent. "This is…I can't believe…you said you were on birth control!"

"I was," she said, sounding pathetic. Tears formed in her eyes. "You'll…you'll stay with me, won't you? Are you mad?"

The week before she was strong and confident, and now she was reduced to a puddle in front of me. I sighed, reaching for her hand, which seemed much smaller now. I felt her hand in mine and thought about the baby growing inside of her. Would its hands be like hers?

"Of course I'm not mad at you," I assured her. "I'm just…shocked. It's a lot to…take in. I won't leave you, we're in this together," I said firmly. This baby would have one crazy life, I thought to myself, slightly sickened. I didn't know whether or not I was in love with Kim. We probably wouldn't marry. We were already setting the baby up for a split life, a life like mine and Dan's. Did we really want this?

Did we have a choice?

"Thank you, JD," she wailed, throwing her arms around me. I hugged her back, closing my eyes for a moment. This morning I was just any other guy. Now…I'm going to be a dad.

_Step one you say we need to talk  
He walks you say sit down it's just a talk  
He smiles politely back at you  
You stare politely right on through  
Some sort of window to your right  
As he goes left and you stay right  
Between the lines of fear and blame  
And you begin to wonder why you came  
_

"Jeezus, Sheryl, quit stuttering and spit it out. You've been acting like a jumpy schizophrenic all day long," Dr. Cox snapped.

Two weeks had passed. Empty days, full of contemplation. I wasn't sure what was going on with the other people in my life, but Kim and I had talked for hours and hours. We spent all of our free time together. We talked on the phone constantly. Sometimes it was about the baby, about our fears and our plans, and sometimes it was just meaningless chatter. We avoided discussing a real plan, though. How we were going to deal with this baby as an unmarried couple. Whether or not we'd even be a couple by the time the baby was born.

"Sorry. I forgot what I was going to say," I said honestly, drawing a blank.

Dr. Cox smacked his forehead, clearly furious. "I cannot believe you just paged me from three floors away and drew me away from my pregnant wife and child to 'forget' what it was you were going to say."

"I'm—"

"No, no, I don't want to hear it. I don't want to hear your half-assed excuse. I will warn you, though, to leave me alone, because I have had it up to _here_ with everyone in this hospital!" He bangs his fist down on the table of the lounge to emphasize it. "I can't take your bullshit right now."

An awkward silence settled over the room. I didn't know what he expected. Probably some out-of-context, idiotic statement that would give him full liberty to scoff and leave the room. Normally, though, I'd have done just that.

My mind felt scattered. I was desperate. I felt overwhelmed in that moment. Dr. Cox was, for lack of a better word, my mentor. I based so much of my work on him. If he could barely manage fatherhood without blowing a gasket, how could I take it? Would my kid grow up hating me? Would he be ashamed…like I was?

I took a deep breath. "Do you want to talk about it?"

I regretted it the instant I said it. His gaze lifted, his eyes fiery and directed at me threateningly. "No, I do not want to talk about it, if you don't recall the pencil breaking incident," he growled. "What are you now, therapist Barbie?"

"No," I said quietly, trying to stay calm. My heart was beating hard in my head. I'd been having nightmares about the baby. I thought of them now. "I just thought…" I trailed off. Neither of us spoke for a moment.

Dr. Cox sighed, sitting down on one of the plastic chairs and putting his head in his hands. "You want to know the truth?" he said, tired-sounding. "I'm scared. I'm petrified. Another kid means one more life I could screw up. I can't even believe this is happening."

My throat swelled up. "You won't screw up," I forced myself to say. _I will. _

"What would you know, Newbie?" he asked. The question hovered in the air, mocking me.

"I don't know anything," I admitted, a chill of fear coursing up my spine.

"Damn straight."

_  
Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend  
Somewhere along in the bitterness  
And I would have stayed up with you all night  
Had I known how to save a life  
_

"Mrs. Sherman, it's a pleasure to meet you," I said, trying to be serious for Kim's sake. She clung to my arm impulsively as we walked into her parent's house. Her mother smiled at me and ushered me in.

"Oh, call me Angela," she says, smiling brightly. She seems like a down-to-earth, happy person. A lot like my own mother was back when she was alive. I smile back.

"Mom…sorry it took so long for us to visit. It's been really hectic around the hospital lately, and between our shifts, we couldn't…"

"Oh, don't be silly, I understand," said Angela, waving her off. Her eyes sparkled. "Besides, I hear there are three people coming with you today…" She rubbed Kim's belly, which wasn't even showing yet because she wasn't two months pregnant.

We sat down for dinner and started talking, but nothing too deep. By now Kim and I can communicate just by looking at each other. I feel like we've been together our whole lives. Is it just the hype? Is it because of our fears and hopes for the baby? Or…are we really falling in love in the midst of this chaos?

My cell phone rang. I ignored it at first, but Kim's eyes widened and she grinned. "Answer it—it could be—"

"Oh!" I fumbled for my phone and flipped it open hurriedly.

"Man!" Turk yelled before I could finish saying hello. "She's freaking giving birth, JD! You've got to get over here, like, right now!"

"I'll be right there. Don't let her have it till I get there!"

"THEN HURRY!"

He didn't know where I was. I didn't tell him, or anyone else, for that matter, about Kim's pregnancy. We weren't going to talk about it until there was no other way to explain her protruding belly. The only other person who knew was her mother.

"Carla's in labor," I announced, biting my lip. "Angela…"

"Hurry or you'll be late!" she said, rushing us out the door. "Go, go, go!"

Kim grabbed a couple of pickles off of her plate and headed to the door with me. "Sorry, Mom! I promise we'll all have dinner sometime soon! I love you, bye!"

Turk and Carla gave birth to a healthy baby girl, Isabella Angie Turk. I watched the baby behind the glass, completely mystified. They were so happy. They were a family.

I felt my eyes water unconsciously.

"It's beautiful, isn't it?" Kim whispered from behind me, wrapping her arms around my chest.

"Yeah," I said softly, watching the baby's fists curl and her face wrinkle, ready to let out a wail. "It' s beautiful."

_  
Let him know that you know best  
Cause after all you do know best  
Try to slip past his defense  
Without granting innocence  
Lay down a list of what is wrong  
The things you've told him all along  
And pray to God he hears you  
And pray to God he hears you  
_

It was one of those nights again. Dr. Cox shows up randomly at someone's door once a year and demands a journey to the bar, which usually involved him moping and trying to sound philosophical while everyone around him got rip-roaring drunk. This time it was me he chose.

I didn't really appreciate the one am wake up call. I had to be at the hospital in four hours, and I had just gotten off the phone with Kim. She was three months pregnant now and we've officially started living together. I guess it wasn't really official. One day she slept over, and then the next and the next…and then she just stayed. It's nice having her company.

I helped myself to a drink, though, because I didn't drink in front of Kim anymore. Turk called it "whipped," but I didn't laugh. Maybe I was whipped. Who knew? Who cared? It was getting to the point where everyday was just a stall, waiting for the baby. Biting nails, cracking joints, staring up at the ceiling all night. I wasn't whipped. I needed Kim, and she needed me. We were in this together.

"Newbie, Newbie, Newbie," Dr. Cox sighed.

I took another swig of beer. Normally I didn't order beer, but I couldn't care less at this point what it was I was drinking. I could have fallen asleep on the counter right there.

"I just don't think I can handle this. Kids are…" he laughed slightly. "Kids are nuts. They take over your life. Jack is already so…don't have kids."

I bit my lip and drank again.

"You keep drinking instead of talking," Dr. Cox said bluntly.

"It's one thirty in the morning," I reminded him, rubbing my temples. In truth, I was just trying to block him out. I didn't want to hear of the woes of parenthood. I wanted to believe that everything would be fine, that I'd live in a house with a picket fence and the baby would be perfect, completely healthy and happy.

Dr. Cox grunted in response. "You've been weird."

"Thanks," I said sarcastically. Drinking. Again. There was a slight buzz in my head, but that was okay, because it was blocking him out. I took a deep breath, trying to ignore him.

"You've got nothing to be worked up about," said Dr. Cox, shrugging. "You're young. You're still dating. You've got your whole freaking career in front of you, and I have endless years of diapers ahead of me."

I snorted. "Mid-life crisis?"

"Why won't you take me seriously?" he mused, frowning. He wasn't yelling for once. He actually looked like he was thinking. "I…you can't even begin to understand. I'm freaked out. I don't know what to do with myself."

"I know the feeling," I said before I could stop myself. I took another drink. What the hell did I care? It was all going to come out in the end. I felt my eyes burning a bit.

He scoffed at me. "I'm sure, Mr. I Have Everything I'll Ever Want And Need—"

"Shut up," I muttered, shoving the beer aside. I laid a twenty down on the table. "Just…get over it."

I left him there, his mouth slightly open, looking a bit shocked.

"I thought I could come to you for help," he called after me.

I turned back and stared at him hard. "So did I."

_  
Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend  
Somewhere along in the bitterness  
And I would have stayed up with you all night  
Had I known how to save a life  
_

"You look tired," Kim commented, setting her lunch tray on the table next to mine.

I jolted and immediately regretted it. Total hangover. "Dr. Cox came last night. He's freaking out about…" I stopped mid-sentence.

"The baby," she finished for me, smirking slightly.

"Yeah."

"You'll be a great dad," she assured me.

"Quit calling her Izzy!"

"You quit calling her Bella! It's a sissy name!"

"Izzy sounds like a high school prostitute in a cheerleading uniform!"

Carla and Turk sat down at our table, their voices still ringing through the cafeteria. I flinched. Loud noises. Bad headache. Shift over…in two hours…yaawwwnnn…

"Hey, who's watching I…zzybella?" I asked tentatively.

"Isabella!" they both snapped. They glared at each other. "Jordan," Carla finally answered me. "But only for an hour. I'm off in an hour and Turk just started his shift."

Turk's pager rang. "Darn it. I gotta take this. Love you baby," he said quickly, kissing her on the cheek. "See you when I get home."

"Love you too," she called after him, smiling in an instant.

Kim and I exchanged bewildered glances.

"Having a baby…changes everything," Carla thought aloud, forking at the salad on her plate. "Baby weight," she explained.

"Baby weight?" Kim squeaked.

"Oh, yeah. Like, fifteen pounds," Carla complained, rolling her eyes.

"Changed, like, in a good way?" I asked, hoping I didn't sound too anxious about it.

Carla nodded, her mouth full of salad greens. She swallowed. "Of course. I mean, we're closer than I ever thought we'd be…and she's so beautiful. She's all ours. It's impossibly real and crazy and I can't even explain it." She shrugged. "I guess you'll find out one day."

"One day," I echoed.

"Baby weight?" Kim repeated, dumbfounded.

_  
As he begins to raise his voice  
You lower yours and grant him one last choice  
Drive until you lose the road  
Or break with the ones you've followed  
He will do one of two things  
He will admit to everything  
Or he'll say he's just not the same  
And you'll begin to wonder why you came _

"I…have news," said Dan, his voice flat and unemotional.

I checked the time. My shift was over ten minutes ago, and after an entire day of deftly evading Dr. Cox, it was time for me to go home. I wanted to wait for Kim to get off her shift in another hour, though, so I decided to head for the roof for some fresh air.

"Hold on a sec," I told him, knowing cell phones were banned in the hospital. I hurried up the flight of stairs. Dan had news? Did that mean he finally got a real job? Maybe he'd decided to settle down and have a family…I smiled. It was nice to have the idea of a family now, scary as it still was.

"Okay, I'm back," I said, slightly out of breath. "Sorry it took so long." No one answered. "Dan? Hey, are you still there?" I frowned and redialed.

"Sorry," Dan muttered. "I, uh, got disconnected."

"So how are things?" I asked conversationally, leaning against the water tank. "You don't call my cell phone very often."

"I've got to tell you something," he said.

"Yeah, I do too," I said. I might as well tell Dan about Kim's pregnancy. He was family, after all. Hell, I'd call my mom and tell her after telling him. Let the cat out of the bag. It wasn't like they were going to tell anyone I knew.

"Oh," he said. "Well…uh…mom's dead."

I readjusted the phone to my ear. "Huh?"

He didn't say anything at first. "She had a heart attack. They have no idea how it could have happened…" he choked up.

Who were 'they'? Doctors like me? How do I know that they tried their best to save her? How do I even know she's really dead? I mean, she couldn't be dead. Dad had just had a heart attack two years ago. It couldn't happen again. Lightning doesn't strike in the same place twice, right?

Guilt seeped through my consciousness. I'd been talking to my mom once a week for years, these past few months no exception to that, and I hadn't once mentioned the baby. I'd been too afraid. Now I'd never get to tell her, and she'd died thinking that she had no grandchildren, and…

I banged the back of my head against the cooler, letting the pain distract me. "Are you sure?"

"Yes."

There was dead silence on the phone for a while as we listened to each other breath. I could feel the tears rolling down my cheeks, but I didn't move, frozen to the spot. Where would I go, anyway? Where else could I be alone? I'd never be able to show my face in the hospital like this. I didn't want to burden Kim or anyone else with it. It was mine and my brother's silent parade of remorse from miles away.

"So, uh," Dan cleared his throat. "What was your news?" His voice cracked. He was clearly as upset as I was.

I struggled to find my voice. "Oh." I took a deep breath, almost laughing at the absurdity of it. Minutes ago I was absolutely giddy about telling him, and now I didn't want to have anything to do with it. I felt so dirty, keeping it a secret from my dead mother. "My, uh…my girlfriend's three months pregnant."

And then I felt my body wrack from sobbing. "I…I never got to tell her…that she was going to have a grandkid…"

Dan gasped. "Your—oh my God, Johnny, how the hell did that happen?"

I couldn't answer. My throat was swollen. I didn't think I'd be able to make competent noises if I tried. "I'm sorry," I said, "I have to go."

Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend  
Somewhere along in the bitterness  
And I would have stayed up with you all night  
Had I known how to save a life

I slid to the ground, sitting on the cold pavement. It was nearing winter now. The leaves had died and were floating aimlessly in the wind. I watched them through the blur of my tears for a moment before closing my eyes and resting my head against the water tank, trying to stop myself from crying.

"JD."

My head shot up. I saw Dr. Cox's face and shook my head, biting my lip. Of all the places in the world, he happened to be up here. What the hell was he up here for? I looked in his fist and saw a pack of cigarettes.

"I…uh…" I fought to keep my voice steady. "I have pink eye," I explained. "And allergies."

Dr. Cox snorted and sat down next to me.

"You shouldn't smoke."

"I wasn't going to," he said defensively, chucking the box off the roof. ("OW!" said the janitor from down below). His face softened. "You want to tell me about what just happened there, Newbie?"

I shook my head again. "I'm…not really sure what happened."

"Well, who the hell were you talking to?"

"My brother."

"Oh. Him."

"My mom's dead," I said numbly. It didn't seem true, but here I was, saying it out loud. It made it so much more…real. Talking about it. I didn't want to talk about it. "Heart attack."

"I'm—I'm so sorry," Dr. Cox said sincerely.

"And Kim's pregnant," I said quietly, staring at my hands and making sure not to meet his gaze. "Three months."

Dr. Cox cleared his throat awkwardly. He couldn't handle these situations any better than I could. "I saw you up here and I was going to yell at you for last night, you know," he told me. Then he looked at me hard at said, "Honest to God, JD, I had no idea. I wouldn't have…if I had known that Kim was…"

"I know. And you didn't know because I didn't tell you."

"Does anyone…?"

"Just my brother and Kim's mom." The tears rushed into my eyes again. "I never told my mom. I should have." I sighed. "But you know what, Dr. Cox? I'm not really afraid. It was scary at first, like you said, but I'm okay now. I want this baby to happen. I need to start over and… and I…I love Kim."

There. The words that had been bursting to get out for weeks were finally out. "I love her," I realized, completely mystified with the idea. "I need her."

"I know the feeling."

I don't know how long we sat there. Probably an hour or so. Eventually my pager beeped—Kim, to tell me her shift was over and she wanted fish burgers from McDonald's. I laughed a bit at that—in all of this chaos, she was still unaffected and normal, and it was weird to me that anyone could feel ordinary at a time like this.

"Thanks," I said to Dr. Cox as I left.

He nodded. "No. Thank you."

Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend  
Somewhere along in the bitterness  
And I would have stayed up with you all night  
Had I known how to save a life

"Hey, Abby," I said softly. Carla and Turk had finally found a name they agreed on, and "Abby" was now the name of Isabella. I was rocking the baby to sleep, getting some practice. Carla had insisted. Now that Kim was six months pregnant and slightly moody, it was too hard to keep up the façade and we'd told everybody the truth.

Turk was angry for a couple of days at first. He couldn't believe that I hadn't told him, since we were like brothers and all. I explained to him that I didn't even tell Dan at first and how Kim and I had promised each other not to tell. He forgave me, obviously, and then apologized for being an ass about it.

A lot had changed in three months. I was pretty shaky for a week after my mom died, and Dr. Cox helped by keeping everyone off my back. Kim found out right away, too, despite my attempt at hiding it. I don't know how women do that. Anyway, I guess I got so wrapped up in the baby and work that I slowly recovered from it. I couldn't be mad at myself forever.

Now that Carla wasn't as over-protective and scary about anyone touching Abby, I was allowed to hold her. She truly was the cutest baby I'd ever seen. At first I was scared to hold her, but Carla said I'd better do it now or I'd be one inexperienced dad. Turk promptly kicked at her foot at that statement.

It was a lot easier than I thought it'd be. We babysat for Carla and Turk now every Friday, so they could go to dinner. Kim was in the next room warming up a bottle for her.

I passed her to Kim to feed her when she came back. For a few moments we sat in the satisfying silence, the only sound being the distorted rhythm of Abby's sucking.

"So, what are we going to name the baby?"

I shrugged. "I've thought about it over and over," I admitted, "but I can't narrow it down. What are you thinking?"

She shrugged back. "Maybe Carol for a girl," she mused.

I laughed out loud.

"What?" she said, grinning.

"During my second year here there was a patient who could only communicate with his eyes. A computer spoke for him, and one day…" I laughed again. "One day Dr. Cox called me a girl's name, as usual, and his computer malfunctioned and said 'Carol' over and over again."

She chuckled. "And you…?"

"I was a bit mad, to say in the least," I said honestly. "But I like the name Carol. Maybe Eric for a boy."

"I like that," Kim agreed. "But let's keep thinking, you know? Middle names, too. It has to have a middle name."

And so we did think up names all through the night, long after Abby fell asleep. We never really decided. We figured that when the moment came, we'd know what to name the baby. I could hardly wait for it now. Kim grew a little bit bigger each day, and my excitement grew with it. That baby kept me going, was sometimes the only reason I'd wake up in the morning. I loved it already.

How to save a life  
How to save a life

It was while Kim was getting an ultra sound at eight months into her pregnancy that Jordan's water broke.

Dr. Cox walked into the exam room unannounced and said to me, "This is it. The devil's birthing her spawn."

Needless to say, the nurse prepping Kim for an ultrasound looked a bit concerned by this, but I stood up immediately. "Right now?"

"No, in, like, five days, six hours and two minutes. YES, now, Junebug!" he exclaimed, throwing his hands up in the air. He turned to Kim. "Can I borrow your girlfriend for a moment?"

She rolled her eyes. "Yes."

"Where is she?" I asked, running to stay at Dr. Cox's pace. "Where's Jack?"

"I'm taking you to him. You're baby-sitting. You're the only capable girl in this hospital, not counting your jelly-bellied play date back there." We rounded a corner, where I saw Jack running in circles around a perplexed Janitor, screaming, "Poopyhead!" at the top of his lungs.

"That's right, Jack," I muttered.

"You think this is funny?" the Janitor demanded.

"Shut up, you lovebirds. Jack, listen to Miss Dorian while Daddy leaves, alright? I'll be back before you can say the word Range Rover." He cocked his head at the toddler and said, "Because you can't even say your Rs yet, can you?" He pecked Jack on the head with a kiss.

"Good luck," I called after him.

"Don't be such a sissy," he yelled back before mounting the stairs and running out of sight.

Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend  
Somewhere along in the bitterness  
And I would have stayed up with you all night  
Had I known how to save a life

A couple of hours later, Preston Samuel Cox was born. Dr. Cox brought him down to show me and Jack, with the baby all swaddled and asleep. I could see by the way Dr. Cox looked at the baby that he was hooked for life, all over again. I smiled. The baby already had a curly fuzz growing on his head.

"Thanks, Newbie," Dr. Cox said, leaning down to show Jack the baby.

"You're welcome."

"No, I mean, for everything. You were right. I can't think of anything better than being here with my two boys right now." And as he said that, his smile was so warm and happy that I knew no matter what happened, he'd be there for his kids. He was made for this, no matter what he tried to tell himself.

"You're a great dad," I told him.

"Yeah, yeah, go find your clone, would you?" he said, referring to Kim.

"Right!" I said, feeling like an idiot. I forgot to page her and tell her where I was.

I took a shortcut through the nurses' station to get to the stairs, whistling to myself. Man, was I hungry. My stomach started to grumble at the realization. I kept walking, though. I only stopped when I thought I heard something in the supply closet squeak.

I stepped closer to the door. The squeak came again. "Hello?" I called.

"JD?" It was Kim's voice, desperate and afraid. I swung the door open and found her sitting on the floor, her face drenched with tears. Her hands clutched at her stomach. She let out a low wail at the sight of me.

I closed the door. "What's wrong?" I asked anxiously, sitting down with her. "What happened? Are you alright?"

"No, no, no," she sobbed.

It upset me that she was crying like this; I hated it when she wasn't happy and I couldn't help. I hate that kind of situation with anyone. Besides, it couldn't be good for the baby. I took her hand in mine. "Kim…what happened? How did the ultrasound go?"

She sobbed louder. "The ultrasound…the baby…"

I felt myself freeze. My heart skipped a beat and lodged in my throat.

"…there's no heartbeat, JD," she cried out. "The baby's dead. There is no baby, damn it, the baby's dead!" she shrieked, smacking the back of her head on a shelf. "It's all been for nothing! I don't know what to believe anymore!"

"No…" I muttered. "It can't…there's no…"

I couldn't help it. I was crying, too. I thought of how badly I wanted this baby, how long I had anticipated it. How was this fair? Dr. Cox didn't want a baby, he was scared out of his mind. I wanted this baby. It kept me going. It was the main focus of my life…I revolved around it. The crib was already set up in the apartment, the nursery was almost finished. It would be empty. All for nothing.

All for nothing. No. Please, God, no.

"It was a girl," Kim whispered.

I let out a sob. A girl. It was a baby girl. Why did she tell me that? I didn't want to know. I didn't want to imagine the dead baby in my head, the lifelessness in Kim's womb that was just floating there now.

"Why?" I cried. "I don't understand…"

_  
Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend  
Somewhere along in the bitterness  
And I would have stayed up with you all night  
Had I known how to save a life_

I didn't come to work the next day. Dr. Cox called the house.

"You're dragging me out of my paternity leave to call you and say get the hell to work," he griped. "Was Jack just too much for you last night?"

I couldn't speak. I couldn't say anything.

"No," I managed. My throat was dry from crying all night. I had no idea how I even got home with Kim last night, given the news. She slept beside me now, dead asleep.

"Are you sick or something?"

I shuddered. "No."

"Then get your ass—"

"Kim miscarried."

"Holy shit…"

"I'm going to work." I hung up and got out of bed. Kim's hand reached up and grabbed my forearm.

"Don't leave," she pleaded, her eyes wide and bloodshot.

"I have to get to work," I said. "They're calling me."

She shook her head. "No. I mean forever. Stay with me. Be with me."

I nodded. "Of course."

* * *

End. Review :D. 


	2. House of Your Own

Disclaimer: I can't do this a-all on my-y-y own, no I know, I'm no SUPERMAN. And I'm no SCRUBS OWNER.

So, I decided to continue this fic. I'm not sure if I'll extend it past this because it seems a wee bit pointless, eh? Dunno. Check it out and see for yourself.

* * *

House of Your Own

I was sitting in the car. My hands were on the steering wheel, the key was ready to be turned. I sighed, suddenly feeling like a child with a broken toy. I couldn't turn the car on, I just couldn't do it.

My pager beeped. I ignored it and with a resolute jerk of my arm, started the engine and pulled out of the parking lot and towards the hospital. My eyes clouded a moment at a stoplight, but other that that, I managed to keep driving, a symphony of pager beeping in my head. I wished Dr. Cox hadn't called. I wished I hadn't opened my big mouth. That last thing I needed was his pity.

After all, how could he possibly know how it feels? He didn't want his children. Yes, it was all happy-go-lucky and dance with the butterflies now that he had them, but he didn't _want _those boys. He didn't deserve them.

I realized I was parked, and there were streams of tears running down my cheeks. No, he deserved them, and that's what made me even angrier. Was it because I wouldn't make a good father? Is that why our baby girl, whoever she was meant to be, died before she could breathe her first breath?

Her future, even now, was being plotted in my head. She was going to go to school with a pink lunchbox. I would help her out with all the bullies, tell her about how I was picked on, but in the end I was happier standing up for what was right. I would cry as she left for college and declare all boyfriends unworthy.

Now, selfishly enough, I was further upset about my mother's death. I couldn't come crying to her now. I couldn't cry to anybody. I was completely alone.

Turk and Carla had their own baby to deal with—Jordan and Dr. Cox had two. My brother always made things worse, my parents were dead, Elliot was…I couldn't do that to her, drop that kind of burden of information on her. I still cared about her as a friend. Besides, she and Keith were probably at it right now, making yet another baby that wouldn't be mine.

I opened the hospital doors. I couldn't remember walking up to them, but suddenly I was in the chaotic flurry of the nurses' station, grabbing my patients' charts.

"You're late," Lavern said accusingly, eyeing me through her glasses.

My throat was tight. I nodded. "Yeah."

_Twenty years, it's breaking you down_

_Now that you understand there's no one around  
Take a breath, just take a seat  
You're falling apart and tearing at the seams_

"…JD!"

My head snapped up. Oh. Elliot.

"Hey," I managed, my voice cracking. "How's it going?"

She frowned. "What, no strange, nonsensical JD-ism?"

_What do you WANT from me? _I wanted to scream. _A freaking wind up doll with five thousand action phrases? _My fury began to burn passionately, bubbling underneath the surface. Then it passed just as quickly as it came, and my shoulders slumped, ashamed. She didn't notice.

"Sorry," I said, wracking my head for something funny. But nothing was funny anymore. The fun had just been sucked right out of life.

Elliot cut me off in the hallway, forcing me to look her in the eye. "What's up with you? You look…depressed," she said, as if that couldn't possibly be the answer. "I've never seen you…"

"I'm just tired, that's all," I said, forcing a smile. My eyes watered again. I thought of Kim at the apartment, alone and probably as miserable as I was, her stomach empty and lifeless. I almost wished that the baby had never happed. But…I loved Kim. Even if the baby never happened, I loved Kim, and I was more than thankful to have her in my life.

But was it worth the price?

"If you're sure," Elliot said doubtfully.

We were in the line at the cafeteria. I had no idea how we had gotten there, except that my stomach seemed to be rising in my throat. I would never be hungry again, it seemed in that moment.

"Listen, I'll catch up with you later," I told her, willing my throat not to tighten again.

She nodded. "Go get some rest. Carla and Turk need you to baby sit tonight, anyway."

I froze. "Oh…I…I can't, Elliot. I really can't. This thing I have to…a dinner with my…" I fumbled. "My brother," I lied out of nowhere. "He's dropping by this week. Could you--?"

"I can't—I'm not good with kids--!"

I left before she could finish. 

Heaven forbid you end up alone, you don't know why  
Hold on tight, wait for tomorrow, you'll be alright

"Hey, Dan?"

"Hey, lil' bro!" Dan greeted me amiably, his voice crackly on the other end of the phone. "How's lil' bro junior?"

I took a deep breath. I couldn't flip out, he didn't know, he didn't know…I shuddered. At least my shift was over. I had to turn off my pager at one point because Dr. Cox kept on paging me, and I just couldn't take it anymore.

"Uh…" I couldn't think of the way to string the sentence together. Finally, I managed to squeak out, "Dead."

"Huh?"

He didn't hear me. How could he have? It was barely a whisper.

"Kim miscarried," I said, my voice breaking in an almost animal-like way. I ducked my head down, though who would see me now, sitting in the far reaches of the hospital parking lot?

"What?" he gasped.

He heard.

"It's not fair," I moaned, feeling like a little kid for the second time. It really wasn't fair, though. Life wasn't fair and all that crap, but this was just…cruel. To taunt someone with the idea of happiness, of a live being to protect and make your own, and then take it away in the flick of a hand—who was that malicious? Was it God? I didn't even know if I believed in God or not, I'd never been to church.

Maybe Turk would be able to explain. Maybe it was just plain unexplainable. Maybe I was meant to suffer.

"Okay…um…stay at the apartment, alright? Don't leave."

I nodded. Realized he couldn't see me. "Alright," I affirmed.

"I'll be right there."

He hung up. Dead air greeted me on the line, dead like everything else.

Everything, that was, except for Kim. Suddenly and intensely, I needed her, I needed to feel her and make sure she was solid and unchanging, that she couldn't leave. I needed to confirm her existence and hold her until there was no way she could disappear, no way she could slip between my fingers.

I drove out of the parking lot. I still had Kim.

_  
It's on your face, is it on your mind  
Would you care to build a house of your own?  
How much longer, how long can you wait?  
It's like you wanted to go and give yourself away  
_

My tears soaked the ink, making it illegible. It didn't matter. The words were already carved into my conscience.

_I'm so sorry, JD. I just have to get out of here. I'll be back. Don't look for me. I love you. –Kim _

I held the wadded, damp post-it note in my hand, sitting on the couch and watching the blank television screen. I wasn't angry with her. Who could be? She needed a release just as much as I did. I should leave, too. Get away from all of this madness. Leave the grief behind.

But I didn't want to leave it behind. Leaving it would mean forgetting what Kim and I had shared, forgetting the reason why I woke up every morning, forgetting my plan for the baby I'd thrown my whole heart towards. I couldn't leave the past behind me. I could never, ever forget.

I promised Dan anyway, and I wasn't about to break that promise. I didn't want him to worry. There was enough emotion today—no need to add to it.

"Hey…JD. I know you're home."

It was the message machine. In my daze, I hadn't even noticed it ringing. Now I could hear Dr. Cox's voice clear as day, with babies wailing in the background. My heart twanged at the sound.

"Look. I'm not…I'm not going to tell you that it'll be okay. It's not. I know." He cleared his throat. "But just…promise me you won't do anything stupid."

I scoffed. Stupid? I was the king of all things stupid, and Dr. Cox made that pretty evident every day of my life. I didn't want his sympathy. I didn't want him to call my house with advice; I didn't want attention for this. I just wanted to sulk and remember. It felt better than anything else.

What was he implying, anyway? That I'd be dumb enough to go off and kill myself? I wasn't the type. Surely Dr. Cox knew that by now.

He heaved a sigh on the message machine. "Promise me." The machine clicked, and the message was over.

I threw the wadded post-it note towards the wall. It didn't even make it far enough to hit, and fell noiselessly, like the tears on my cheeks.

_  
Heaven forbid you end up alone, you don't know why  
Hold on tight, wait for tomorrow, you'll be alright  
Heaven forbid you end up alone, you don't know why  
Hold on tight, wait for tomorrow, you'll be alright  
_

I stayed sitting there until I ran out of energy to cry. I'd never really cried before. I mean, before this baby happened. All of a sudden everything was life and death. A baby would be depending on me, and I kept screwing everything up. How could I be responsible for another human being when I could hardly keep my own life straight?

Then my mother died. I cried like hell. I can't remember ever being so upset, but it only got worse. All good things have to end eventually, right? At least that was how it went in my book. Now Kim was gone too. I was alone again.

I thought of Abby and Preston. Suddenly I wasn't tired anymore; if anything, I needed to get out of the apartment. I imagined that this was how Kim felt, but it was easy for her. She probably ran to her mother. I had nowhere to go.

So I walked. It was freezing cold out and starting to rain, but I didn't give a damn. Dan hadn't come like he said he would—he was probably raving drunk by now, and he would wake up in the morning thinking the whole miscarriage thing was a dream. It was one in the morning. He would have been here by now if he was going to come.

I walked until I reached the park by the hospital and saw the enormous tree in the middle. A couple of years ago, when it was all decked out with lights (they didn't do that anymore, because it was too expensive), a teenager gave birth to a baby here. I remembered that night, how I thought for a moment that I believed in miracles. That baby truly was a miracle. Why couldn't I ever have a miracle? Why couldn't I even catch a break?

I shook my head and kept walking aimlessly. Even though I didn't know where I was going, I led myself to my porch, sitting on the empty lot. Slowly, quietly, I walked the wet grass, soaking my feet, until I reached the porch bench. I sat down and closed my eyes. We were going to have a two bedroom house, I thought to myself. We never really discussed it, but we both knew, Kim and I. We would expand it later, if any more kids came along, but it wasn't an issue presently. We would have a blue kitchen. Kim liked blue. Maybe the baby's room would be yellow, because we didn't know the gender until the baby miscarried. We were going to have a living room with Kim's mom's old furniture, and Rowdy would sit in the corner so he could see the TV.

I was crying again. I immediately stopped. This was getting absurd—I had no right to be sissy about this. Women were sissy about things, not the men. Men were supposed to be strong and be there for the women. But what if the woman didn't want you anymore?

I knew that I was being rash. Of course Kim loved me. I would go after her now, too, but I knew her well enough to know that she only says what she means. She meant to be left alone until she was ready. She'd come back. That wasn't the problem.

The problem was whether or not _I_ could go back.

No, I thought. I would come back. I'd face it. I had to. For Kim and for me, I had to move on.

Just not right now. For the moment, it felt good to sit in the freezing rain and let my limbs go numb with cold. I didn't want to feel anything anymore.

_  
It feels good (Is that reason enough for you)  
It feels good (Is that reason enough for you)  
It feels good (Is that reason enough for you)  
It feels good (Is that reason enough for you)_

When I opened my eyes again, Kim was sitting next to me. It was almost like returning to the scene of the crime, the two of us sitting here together. Oddly enough, I wasn't surprised or bewildered at her sudden appearance. I hadn't even heard her coming up the walk.

"Hey," I said.

She didn't say anything, staring at her hands.

"You alright?" I put an arm around her. She felt hollow, like she wasn't there. I noticed that she wasn't wet, and I didn't see an umbrella. I brushed the thought off. It wasn't important.

She shook her head at me. I saw tears falling down her cheeks, their sheen exaggerated by the glow of the porch lamp. She must have turned it on, because moments ago it was dark. I smiled in spite of all the terrible things that had happened. We were together again.

"I missed you," I told her, squeezing her a bit tighter, trying to reaffirm her existence. It seemed as if she were light as a feather, empty. Like she wasn't there anymore.

We sat in silence for awhile. Crickets chirped in the backyard; I supposed there would have been a swing set there, maybe a sandbox. There still could be, of course. Suddenly the world felt a bit more bearable, knowing I wasn't alone in my pain.

"Hey," I said again, nudging her. Couldn't she at least say hello?

Her head lolled onto my shoulder. It didn't feel right. I stiffened, leaning further back onto the chair. She fell into a heap on my lap. I nearly jumped, startled by the instantaneous change in tone of my atmosphere; what was happy was now frightening and wrong. I lifted her head.

Her eyes were sunken in. Lifeless. Dead.

"No," I whispered. I couldn't even feel her weight on my lap anymore. All I could focus on were here dangling limbs, her cascading hair partially covering her face. I couldn't breathe. I could feel my heart beat in my throat.

"JD."

My head was shaking. "No…"

"JD! What the hell--?"

My shoulders were being shaken back and forth. Kim's form dissolved—I reached out, tried to keep her with me, but she disappeared. "No!" I yelled desperately.

My eyes opened. It was dark again. The porch lamp was off, as it had been before she…

"She's dead," I moaned.

"What the hell do you think you're doing?"

I gasped, realizing that I was looking right in the face of none other than Dr. Cox.

Heaven forbid you end up alone, you don't know why  
Hold on tight wait for tomorrow, you'll be alright  
Heaven forbid you end up alone, you don't know why  
Hold on tight wait for tomorrow, you'll be alright

I swiped at my eyes, getting rid of the tears. It was just a dream. She wasn't really dead. My heart ached, though—I needed to feel her, I needed to at least hear her voice, make sure she was there…Why was she doing this? How much longer until the pain would finally end?

"How did you…? What—" I stammered.

"I figured you'd be here because…" he let the sentence trail off. We both knew why. Because I'd owned this pitifully empty plot of land for years, and it was finally going to become something. _I_ was finally going to become something.

I nodded. "Sorry." I meant to apologize for freaking him out with the yelling, but he didn't seem to hear me. He was too busy trying to figure out what to say.

Dr. Cox sat down next to me after a moment. "JD…I can't even pretend to know what you're going through, but what would possibly possess you to freeze to death on an open porch with nothing but a t-shirt and jeans?"

"You'd do worse," I reminded him, scoffing despite myself.

"That's fair," he admitted, not getting angry with me for once. He looked tired. Those boys must have been driving him nuts. "You know, I thought I didn't want this baby. You were the one who convinced me otherwise. It isn't fair, and I know you're probably thinking that, because it's true."

I didn't say anything. I didn't want to admit it.

"But you know what, JD? Even if this didn't work out…don't think that it doesn't mean you aren't meant to be a dad. I know you are. Everyone in that damn hospital knows. You can't take this to heart…you have to fight it."

"Kim's gone," I said quietly.

He let out of breath of air. "Where?"

I shook my head. "Don't know. She told me not to find her, but I know she'll come back. She has to." I need her, I meant to say, but I couldn't. It would make it too real. "I just…that baby…was the reason why I woke up in the morning. We threw our whole lives into it. She was going to be wonderful."

"She?"

"It was a girl. We found out…after…"

"Oh." Dr. Cox stood up. "Listen. Why don't I drive you home, and I'll call work for you and get you a couple days off. You could use them."

I smiled wearily. "Thank you, but I'd rather just keep going with my life," I said. "I'm trying to forget."

He nodded. "I understand."

We walked towards his car.

"But you know what, kid?" He turned around and looked at me. "Someday this pain will be over. Someday you'll be happy again, and you'll have kids of your own or whatever the hell it is you want to do with your life. But you will never forget."

_  
Out of this one  
I don't know how to get you out of this one  
I don't know how to get you out of this one  
I don't know how to get you out of this one  
I don't know how to get you out of this one_

The phone was ringing when Dr. Cox dropped me off. I answered it immediately.

"JD?" Her voice was tentative. Afraid.

"Kim," I gasped. "Where are you?"

"I'm coming home," she said. "I'm coming back."

I smiled. "I've missed you."

"I can't live without you, JD…I love you."

"I love you, too," I said. More than she would ever know.

But Dr. Cox was right. We would never forget.

* * *

Sooooo who else bought season 4?? It's out now, as of the tenth! I've only seen a few season four eppies, so I'm excited to fill in the gaps. I haven't seen My Cake yet, and I heard wonderfulistic things of it. I just can't watch it till after my homework/xc meet/shift at work/voice lesson. On second thought, put homework on the bottom of that list. Lol. YAY PROCRASTINATION!

BEWARE, 'TIS FRIDAY THE THIRTEENTH!


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